Yesterday, a client asked me:
“How do I know if I’m doing the work?”
She had just had one of those weeks where she found herself back in a pattern she has been working to change for a long time.
Can you relate?
Maybe you are working on improving something, but those familiar reactions still sneak in, and suddenly you find yourself asking:
“Have I actually made any progress at all?”
So back to the golden question…
How do I know if the work I’m doing is working?
By “work,” I’m referring to inner work—the spiritual journey we all take in our lives toward growth and evolution.
First, let’s look at two different approaches…
FIRST HALF OF LIFE
In the first half of my life, the inner work was all about fixing myself.
And I had very clear criteria for knowing if it was working:
If it was working, I wouldn’t get triggered anymore.
If it was working, I wouldn’t feel anger, shame, frustration…
If it was working, I’d be happy. All the time.
If it was working, my outer life would reflect that—everyone would love me, my business would thrive, and all my problems would disappear!
I had this unconscious belief that…
If I just do enough work, I’ll arrive.
And the problem?
I never arrived.
No matter how much I learned or practiced or tried to “do it right,” life kept bringing me back to the same human experiences.
And every time it did I felt like a failure.
SECOND HALF OF LIFE
The second half of life approach is different.
Second half of life is all about accepting instead of fixing.
And how do I know if that inner work is working?
Here’s the big key:
I will know it’s working if…I am increasing in the love I have for myself, others, and life.
Or to quote one of my favorite spiritual mentors,
“Enlightenment is a series of softenings.” —Richard Rudd
I’ll know the inner work is working when things start to soften.
Triggers soften.
Reactions soften.
Judgments soften.
My heart softens.
My nervous system softens.
→ Notice I didn’t say that all the triggers vanish. But they do start to soften.
Maybe I don’t get triggered at level 10, but now it’s only a 9. Then an 8.
Yet, how many times have I expected myself to go from a ten to a zero and then judged myself for having any feelings or reactions at all?
Triggers are a gold mine for growth and one of the best clues that a part of you is asking to be loved. If you want to explore this idea more, check out: Never let a trigger go to waste.
I still get triggered.
I still feel uncomfortable emotions.
Hard things still happen.
But what has changed for me is what happens after.
AFTER CARE
I often remind my clients that we’re not focusing on eliminating triggers.
We’re not even going to focus on preventing a reaction to a trigger.
(Good luck with either of those being immediately successful, btw.) Instead, what I’m most concerned about is this:
How do you respond to your reaction?
Read that again.
How do you respond to your reaction?
How do you treat yourself after you’ve lost your temper…
After you said something you regret…
After the emotional spiral…
After the same old pattern shows up again…
After that automatic response…
After all of that… how do you respond?
Do you turn on yourself and start judging, fixing, analyzing?
Or…
Do you come back to yourself with compassion?
Do you repair with yourself by offering love to the part of you that reacted?
Because if you don’t change this part…
You can do years of inner work and still feel like you’re failing and something is wrong with you.
But when you shift how you respond to the reaction…
This is where the deepest work unfolds into lasting transformation and you begin to know on a nervous system level that:
No matter what happens, I won’t abandon myself.
No matter what happens, I love and accept myself.
No matter what happens, I am fundamentally okay.
And from here?
Soooooooo much softening.
This is how you know the work is working.
Not because all your triggers and reactions magically went away.
But because you’re becoming more loving towards all of it.
You’re becoming more loving towards yourself, others, and life. Even–and perhaps, especially– if what is happening is not your preference.
Hard things still happen. That’s life. But lasting inner work is the practice of teaching both your body and your mind that you are okay and loved no matter what.
This kind of softening changes everything.
In the wise words of Carl Rogers:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
If this email made you think of someone else, feel free to forward it on.
And if you’re noticing this in yourself—where you see your own pattern, but still find yourself stuck inside the same reactions—this is exactly the kind of work I guide people through.
Here’s to doing the inner work that really works: Love and acceptance.
Delightfully,
brooke
P.S. If you’re seeing yourself in this pattern, you don’t have to keep navigating it on your own.
I have two complimentary clarity calls available this month where we can look at what’s coming up for you and gently shift how you’re relating to it.
If that feels aligned, you can book one here.
If you’d like to go a little deeper:
→ Begin here: Free Meditation
A simple way to reconnect, reset, and experience this work for yourself.
→ Continue your practice: Meditation Library ($222)
A collection of guided meditations to help you move from understanding this work… to actually living it.
→ Get support: Book a Clarity Call
A space to explore what you’re navigating and see if working together feels aligned. (Complimentary)
If you have any questions, just reply and ask!