Ep 7 Unconditional Love With Boundaries

Hello my friend. Welcome to the One Heart Podcast. I’m your host Brooke Snow, and I’m so grateful to have you here.

I talk a lot about unconditional love on this podcast, because I believe that is what real love is. A question that often arises when you begin to explore unconditional love after living with conditions for so long, is, if love has no conditions, then how do you not just become a doormat? How does the world not just go crazy? These questions are really the result of being taught fear instead of love, and I think this is a really important distinction to get clear on so we can create a more peaceful world to live in.

Before we begin, I invite you to join me in a three breath meditation to settle into your own heart.

Breathing in, come back into awareness of your body and descend to your heart.

Breathing in, opening your heart.

Breathing in, embody the love that is always inside you.

Smile, and say to yourself, I love and accept you.

Thank you, friends for joining me for the One Heart podcast.

So how do you live with unconditional love without becoming a doormat? Don’t we need conditions to keep the world in order? If we didn’t have conditions then wouldn’t people just go crazy and self indulge and do whatever they wanted without regard for others?

First off, the belief in conditional love is very very old. Thousands of years old, and likely much older than that. Conditional love is one of the most pernicious and controlling lies that exist. If you can get a people to believe they can only be loved and approved of under conditions, then whomever is in a position of power, whether that be a church, a government, an organization, a parent, or a controlling partner in a relationship, then you can dominate control over other people in getting them to do what you want them to do. And sadly, humans are very susceptible to being controlled for the reward of love. Especially, if they have been taught–as most of us have been–that you will only be loved and accepted IF you meet certain standards.

Perhaps those standards are what you look like, how smart you are, how much money make, how spiritual you are, what you believe, who you support, whatever it may be,… there are endless conditions that humans have created throughout time.

It’s important to recognize that we were born into a world of conditions. It doesn’t mean those conditions are true, but we did inherit the belief in conditions from those who came before. Part of the journey to creating a new world comes in being the generation that lets go of the belief in conditions to love. To be that change is a radical undertaking. It’s radical because it goes against what we may have been taught and what so many people believe in their mind to be true.

You will likely face opposition from others when you even speak about unconditional love. In my previous podcast I hosted before The One Heart Podcast, one of the most controversial episodes I ever did was when I said I believed God was unconditionally loving. I quickly learned how polarizing such a belief could be. The reason people will go to great lengths to argue that God’s love is conditional, is only because that is what they have been taught. In addition, those who have dedicated their life to abiding the set conditions, really really want the reward they have been working for. It doesn’t seem fair that they would have to adhere to the conditions but someone else could not meet the conditions and still be loved–or in their mind–still be “rewarded”. Unconditional love does away with the transaction of earning and deserving. It does away with the punishment or reward mindset.

It’s one thing to think of this in macro terms of a God figure, and quite another to bring it closer to home into our own relationships and communities. As soon as we start talking about unconditional love on the micro level, it’s easy to freak out and think that means we have to do away with structure and boundaries and everything is a free for all. It’s really hard for our minds to comprehend order without fear. We’ve been controlled for so long out of fear of not being loved that we may not understand how we can have order if there is only love.

Thankfully, we have some amazing examples to look at to see the relationship of boundaries and unconditional love.

Two of my favorites are the human body and Mother Nature.

When I think of unconditional love in the imagery of the human body, I can see for a body to be healthy it has all sorts of boundaries.

This is why we have cell membranes, a blood brain/barrier, veins for blood flow, skin to protect your organs, intestines for digestion, and an intricate set of body systems that only function in a healthy state only when the boundaries are working properly. If those boundaries are destroyed the body goes into chaos and dis-ease. You do not want blood in your brain. You do not want your digestion leaking into your other organs. You do want not to live without skin.

Boundaries are absolutely necessary for a healthy functioning body.

However, There’s a difference between boundaries and conditions.

The heart doesn’t say, “I will only pump blood to the hand when I approve of what the hands are doing.”
The lungs don’t say, “I will only breath for you when you deserve it.”

Conditions include judgements and withholding love.

Boundaries keep you safe and help you function well.

Conditions include judgements and withholding love.

Boundaries keep you safe and help you function well.

The goal then, is to learn to have healthy boundaries AND learn to remove the conditions you put on love.

There are people whose influence does not make me feel safe and I do not function well when I am around them. Amazingly, this makes me feel vulnerable and I go into a fight or flight response where I judge and withhold love from myself or the other person. See the connection? I find that if I have no boundary I also struggle to love. Yet the moment I can add a healthy boundary my ability to love is restored.

I can be so much more loving if I have a boundary.

Similarly, Mother Nature is filled with both unconditional love and boundaries.

She demonstrates her unconditional love by the sun shining on all people with no judgement for who deserves it and who does not.
She rains on all people without judgement for who deserves it and who does not.
She does not withhold the scent of the rose to only a few chosen people.
She does not charge money for her resources, but gives to all people freely.

And how does she show us boundaries?

If you try to exploit her resources she does not function in a healthy way. If you strip her soil by monocropping, she cannot continue to produce in abundance.
If you pollute her waters, her air, her land, she suffers.

If you honor her resources, if you respect her biomes, if you live in harmony with the boundaries of abundance, then you both thrive.

Mother Nature can’t function at her best when she’s treated like a doormat, your body can’t function well when it’s treated like a doormat, and your spirit can’t function in love when it’s treated like a doormat.

Boundaries exist to help you love and help you share love with others in a healthy way.

It is not loving to yourself to let go of your own needs.
It is not loving to yourself to stay in a relationship that is toxic.
It is not loving to yourself to keep commitments that are draining your resources.

And when we are not loving ourselves, we do not have the ability to truly love others. A dry spring cannot give what it does not have. It’s a law of nature.

It can be easy to blur the line though between boundaries and judgement.
If you cut someone out of your life because you don’t like what they believe and don’t approve of their life choices, this is a judgement.

If you remove someone out of your life because you don’t feel safe and cannot function well around them, this is a boundary.

Only you can know the difference in your own heart. Ultimately, remember that the goal for boundaries is always to increase your ability to love. Boundaries are there to help you love yourself and help you love others freely, without condition.

Right now I have boundaries regarding topics that I will or will not discuss with people–that will help me stay in a place of love.
I have boundaries regarding commitments that I will or will not make–that will help me stay in a place of love.
I have boundaries regarding what communities I will or will not be a part of –that help me stay in a place of love.
I have boundaries regarding my time…how I will or will not spend it and who I will or will not spend it with–that help me stay in a place of love.

To someone on the outside wearing the hat of judgement, those boundaries might look like judgements.
However, to someone seeing from the heart, they will see how much more love I experience from this place and how much more giving and free and at peace I can be with these boundaries in place.

Just like the human body.
Just like mother nature.

You are love.
It is who you are.
I invite you to put the boundaries in place you need that will help you be the love that is already within you.
Nurture this love by nurturing yourself.

And as for the belief that unconditional love will make the world go crazy and lose control, this is only a fear of the ego that has literally survived for thousands of years off of conditions. It has survived by being controlled or controlling others by inserting conditions to love.

Once the condition to love departs–especially the condition that I will love you IF you believe like me, IF you look a certain way, IF you think like me, IF you love like me–once the conditions are dropped, you do not go crazy. In fact, it makes you the most sober and sane person in the room. Because you see things as they really are. You see the world as it really is. You see that love is everywhere, that we are all part of the beautiful web of life, and that all people are one, . You see it is the diversity that adds richness and color and vitality to this amazing world. And when you see the majesty and divinity in all people and all things, you lose any desire to harm anyone, including yourself. All you want to do is love. This is not crazy. This is what true order is. This is our true nature.

You are love.

The light in me, honors the light in you.


Hello friend, If you enjoy this podcast, it would mean so much if you would take the time to rate, review, and subscribe. This is a brand new podcast and this does so much for helping this podcast to grow and reach more people.

As a thank you, I have also created a free “I love and accept you” meditation for you to practice unconditional love for yourself. Meditation is my favorite tool for unlearning our judgements and returning to unconditional love. Simply download the Co Create app from your App Store and you’ll find it waiting for you in the Free Meditations on the app. You can find a link to Apple or Google app stores in the shownotes of this episodes. Remember, You are love. Namaste.


Receive my free “I love and accept you” Meditation on the Co Create App.

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