Hello Dear one.
Welcome to the Heat Podcast, I’m you’re host Brooke Snow, and I’m so grateful you are here.
Have you ever felt divided inside yourself? Perhaps there’s part of you who really wants to do something and part of you who doesn’t. Or part of you that feels sad regarding an ending and part of you that is relieved. Maybe there’s a part of you that still longs for a certain dream or a part of you that still carries the burden of a criticism you received a long time ago. We often described our complex feelings using this language… “Part of me feels (fill in the blank).” In this episode we’re going to address our many different parts, and how this concept can help us to more fully understand our emotions and triggers they might bring. Most importantly of all, is the invitation we all have to love these different parts of who we are. Even those parts that annoy us or that we would rather reject. We’re going to learn how to talk to those parts with love and understanding so we can move into wholeness instead of staying divided in fractal parts inside.
To begin, I invite you to join me in a short three breath meditation. This simple practice is a great way to set the stage for holding space for the many parts within you.
In the last episode we talked about responding from the inside out. The thing that emotionally triggers us is not external. We think it is… we think it’s another person, we think it’s our circumstance, we think it’s outside of us… but the initial trigger is within. The root trigger is the part of us that does not want to feel a certain emotion, or the part of us that has a deeply held limiting belief that activates within us…
Perhaps it is the belief that I am unworthy
I am not good enough
I am too much
I don’t belong
I have failed
If you hold any such beliefs, when something happens outside of you that appears to be evidence proving these beliefs to be true, you will most certainly feel triggered.
Yes triggers are an emotion, I’d also like to offer that what is triggered is a part of who we are.
Perhaps you have heard of Parts work before. I was first introduced to parts work in the book, No Bad Parts, by Richard Schwartz.
Richard is an amazing psychologist who started to pay attention to the language his clients would use when they said things such as,
“Part of me doesn’t want xyz, but part of me does…”
I’m sure you’ve probably said this many times yourself in one form or another. We often speak about our parts.
Richard began experimenting with his clients and invited them to begin to speak to their different parts. Speak to the part of you who does want something, or the part of you who doesn’t. Speak to the part of you who is upset, or the part of you who just wants to play and be free…
He developed a framework called Internal Family Systems, which reveals that we all have an internal family system made up of all the parts of who we are. Our wounded child parts, our protector parts, our manager parts, our exiled parts… His work is fascinating and I highly recommend all of his books. I find his approach to be one of the most healing modalities I’ve ever come across and his work is changing the coaching and therapist industry in remarkable ways because of how brilliantly effective it is.
If I were to summarize the concept into something simple, I would use the movie Inside Out. This movie follows the inner workings of the mind of a young girl from the perspective of five personified emotions who administer her thoughts and actions. Those five personified emotions were Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger, and they each take turns interpreting or reacting to the events of her life. It’s a delightful and poignant movie that has many lessons for life.
Even though we may not literally have a personified emotion running the show in our brain,… we do have figurative parts of us that show up and color the lens of our life. Developing the skill to communicate with those parts is one of the most healing practices we can learn.
Can I sit with the part of me that is sad?
Can I hold space for the part of me that feels she has to hide?
Can I grieve with the part of me who was betrayed?
Can I listen to the part of me who is angry?
I find that personifying the emotion… imagining this part of me not just as an abstract feeling, but as a part of me who looks like me and is me, makes communication more natural and nurturing.
And what exactly are you supposed to say or do with these parts?
Most importantly, is simply to love them. Unconditionally. No judgement. Part of the reason they fractured into a part of who you are is because of the fear of not being loved. It stands to reason that love will help heal the fracture and help you integrate that part back into wholeness of who you are.
One of my favorite parts of the book, is when Richard says,
“Love is the answer in the inner world, just as it is in the outer world. Listening to, embracing, and loving parts allows them to heal and transform as much as it does for people. In Buddhist terms, IFS helps people become bodhisattvas of their psyches in the sense of helping each inner sentient being (part) become enlightened through compassion and love. Or, through a Christian lens, through IFS people wind up doing in the inner world what Jesus did in the outer–they go to inner exiles and enemies with love, heal them, and bring them home, just as he did with the lepers, the poor, and the outcasts.
The big conclusion here is that parts are not what they have been commonly thought to be. They’re not cognitive adaptations or sinful impulses. Instead, parts are sacred, spiritual beings and they deserve to be treated as such.
Another theme we will be exploring in this book is how it’s all parallel–how we relate in the inner world will be how we relate in the outer. If we can appreciate and have compassion for our parts, even for the ones we’ve considered to be enemies, we can do the same for people who resemble them. On the other hand, if we hate or disdain our parts, we’ll do the same with anyone who reminds us of them. ”
As a sidenote… I highly recommend the audible version of this book because he leads the listener through several meditations for you to do parts work on your own. And if you’re like me and also need a physical copy so you can highlight and reference the material then definitely have both!
I think of healing and loving my parts as an opportunity to reparent myself. To be the unconditionally loving Mother to these parts of me who just need some love and attention. The most important mothering work I will every do is to my own internal parts, because this is what heals my own heart and helps me then interact with those in my outer world from a place of wholeness.
If you were never taught to nurture and mother yourself with compassion and love, this can feel really strange to do. It involves speaking lovingly and kindly to your part–a part of you, who you may have up until that moment been speaking to in really mean or judgy words before.
Earlier this week I got on Marco Polo and saw a notification that a person in my contacts was having a birthday. Marco Polo suggested that I send this person a birthday message, reminding me that it had been SIX YEARS since my last message to this person.
Wow, six years?
I confess that I didn’t have any intention of sending this person a birthday message. We’re just not that close. But I was very curious to go and watch the message of me speaking six years ago…How have I changed? Did I look different? Would I sound different?
So I pushed play. There I was. The Brooke of 2018 sitting in her car. She was dressed differently. It was the scarf phase. Glad I’m over that now. Of course I got over that phase after I was made fun of for wearing scarfs all the time. I liked my scarves, but another person didn’t like them and made sure to let me know. So I had stopped wearing them soon after. I guess I had since adopted their criticism as truth.
I listened to the 2018 Brooke talk. Her voice was super sweet and nice and overly positive. She sounds so fake, I thought. I started to cringe. She is so fake. That’s definitely not me.
Then the 2018 Brooke invited her kids sitting in the back seat to also say hi in the message. She told the person all the cool things the kids were doing and celebrated them. I cringed again. Gosh, why was I so peppy? Did I really live like that back then? Or was it just a performance for a Marco Polo? I don’t remember motherhood feeling that way at all in real life.
And did I mention that I’m not really that close to this person the message was sent to? I am not close to them today and I wasn’t close to them six years ago. It made the message feel even more like a show. It was surely sent out of obligation. It was an extended family member so I probably felt pressured. Actually, now I remembered. I was brand new to Marco Polo in 2018, and the app had suggested I send a birthday message. So I did. Now here we are full circle six years later. But this time, I wasn’t going to comply to the birthday prompt. Afterall, she never responded to my message before, why send another one?
Friends, I share this as a little inside peak into the very real habit I still have of judging myself. I’ve gotten so much better over the years, but my inner judge still shows up. Thankfully, I had enough awareness to notice what was happening. I observed it. And because I practice parts work, and I noticed I was getting triggered, I took a moment and paused.
I put my hand on my heart. I started talking to my 2018 version of me silently in my mind.
I’m sorry for judging you. I remember what it was like for you back then. I remember how much you loved your scarves. I think you actually look cute.
You were doing the best you could in life. It was actually really thoughtful of you to send a message, even if you didn’t get a reply. Also, I’ve been through some really tough things since that time and I no longer talk in that voice so it sounded so different to me. I know it wasn’t fake. It was just a different version of me. I’m sorry for judging you. Even though so much of my life has changed in six years, I love you. I love who you were then. You’re always welcome in my world. You made it possible for me to be who I am today. thank you so much.”
I bawled my eyes out. I didn’t realize how much that younger part of me needed love and acceptance. Not judgement.
We may not see our parts represented as a video playback like I did on Marco Polo, but the concept is the same. We all have parts frozen in time that our memories can recall just like a Marco message. We may judge them. And perhaps the clips those memories play for us in our minds is not a sweetly spoken message but rather real moments of trauma, of anger, of sadness, of self sacrifice, of people pleasing and hiding who we really are. Those dear tender parts were always doing the best they could. And since those moments they have likely established some beliefs to keep you safe in the future. Maybe those parts do take control of your brain and reactions from time to time. When we can learn who those parts are and let go of judgement and bring love and compassion instead, the most glorious unspeakable healing can take place. All your soul really wants in this life is to be loved. That’s it. Your soul just wants love and acceptance. Not from all the people you think you want it from.
She wants it from YOU.
You.
She wants it from you. And your sense of wholeness is contingent on you learning how to offer this love to yourself. No one else can do this for you. You are the healer and the Savior you have been waiting for.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
Love your enemies.
Love those that despitefully use you.
How often are we the enemy to ourself? How often do we despitefully use ourself? How often is our neighbor simply the exiled parts within us? There is no one closer neighbor to us than those parts. You can be alone on a mountain top, but the truth is, you have all parts of who you are within you. And every one of those parts just wants to be loved by YOU.
You may never have the approval and love of the people you think you want it from the most.
I’ve struggled with this my whole entire life.
And the irony, is that the rare moments I have gotten external love or approval from someone, it is fleeting. It doesn’t fulfill me long term like I fooled myself that it would. I always thirst for more.
The love that is everlasting, the love from which you can drink and never thirst, is the love that comes from within. The love that comes from the true source of unconditional and everlasting love within you.
One of the most healing things you can teach yourself to do, is to love all parts of who you are. Without judgement. Talk to those parts like an unconditionally loving Mother or Father. Most of us have not had that perfectly modeled for us even from our own parents. That’s okay. Our parents did the best they could and they too have wounded parts that run their own lives. It’s not their job to make sure we never got hurt. We’re all here to learn through experience and when we’ve finally had enough suffering, it’s then time to learn the healing art of love. And we must include ourselves. I do not believe you can deeply love other people until you can deeply love yourself. Until then, you are limited on the depth of your love. It’s proportionate to how far and how unconditionally loving you can be to yourself.
As within so without.
As above so below.
It is the law of correspondence. This world is a mirror.
Just as Richard Schwartz said earlier,
“…how we relate in the inner world will be how we relate in the outer. If we can appreciate and have compassion for our parts, even for the ones we’ve considered to be enemies, we can do the same for people who resemble them. On the other hand, if we hate or disdain our parts, we’ll do the same with anyone who reminds us of them. ”
Because this is the One heart Podcast. I would like to offer that an aspect of having One Heart, is to love all parts of who you are. To heal your parts through unconditional love and acceptance. When you do this, instead of being fractured into parts of ourselves that we do not love or accept, we become whole again, by welcoming every aspect of our being. We can be one.
Is there any part of you who needs your love?
Is there any part of you that you have been judging or rejecting?
Can you pause, and take a breath with me?
Put your hand on your heart.
If it’s safe to do so, perhaps you close your eyes.
Breathe In.
Breath out.
What is one memory or one part of you that needs your love right now?
Your mind will surface a snapshot for you.
Maybe it’s a moment in time.
Maybe it’s an emotion or a personality trait.
Can you hold this image without judgement?
No judgement.
Instead, I invite you to send love.
Unconditional love.
This part of you is doing the best they can.
What would it feel like if you could send love instead of judgement?
Just try it?
It’s a wonderful experiment to see what fruit love brings…
You already know what fruit judgement brings.
So let us try a new approach.
What would you say to this part of yourself if you were to take the role of a loving mother or father?
How would you speak to this part?
Or maybe, how would you listen?
Does this part of you have anything to share?
Maybe they would love to be heard and listened to and validated.
Most of all, I invite you to simply express love and acceptance.
I love and accept you.
I love and accept you.
I love and accept you.
This dear one, is what it means to be of one heart.
All parts of you are welcome.
The light in me honors the light in you.
Namaste.
If you enjoyed this episode, I wanted to let you know that it is part of a new course I’m teaching on the Co Create app called, Reclamation of Feeling. Although you can certainly benefit from the lesson by itself here, I want to invite you into an even deeper experience complete with guided meditations to help you integrate these principles we are learning about for yourself. If you’re not yet subscribed to the app and you’re curious to try out, I’d love to invite you to a free one month trial. Simply use the code oneheart30, for 30 days free. I’ll link that code in the shownotes of this episode and would love to invite you to be part of the experiential version of this course along with me on the app.
The light in me honors the light in you.
Namaste.
SHOWNOTES:
Use code ONEHEART30 to get 30 days free on the Co Create App and gain access to the guided meditations and Q&A that accompanies this Reclamation of Feeling course.